I am not an astrologer. I’m just a wisecracker who thinks he’s funny. If you want an actual astrology reading, consult a professional astrologer (I can recommend a few). Now, without further ado, your horoscopes for whichever day you happen to be reading this post.

Aries (March 21-April 20)

You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Except she’ll only be about five feet tall. And she’s not dark, exactly. “Pasty” is a better word. Oh, and she’s not a stranger. It’s Mrs. Putnam, your music teacher from primary school. You will meet Mrs. Putnam.

Taurus (April 21-May 20)

A rogue jeweler will show up at your house carrying $1.2 million worth of stolen yellow diamonds. You have a choice: You may turn him in to the police, or you may flee to Guatemala with him, where the two of you will open a quaint bed and breakfast—and maybe even find love.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

An avocado farm recently opened just off Route 17. The farmer seems like a nice woman, but she’s hiding a terrible secret. Find out the truth and save your town from impending doom. Your lucky number is 0.

Cancer (June 21-June 25)

You will meet a barber who shaves all and only those people who do not shave themselves. He will trap you in a paradox from which you will never escape. Unless, of course, you do not naturally grow facial hair, because alas, classic philosophical problems are often latently sexist.

Leo (July 21-August 20)

You don’t deserve a horoscope until you apologize. You know what you did.

Virgo (August 21-September 20)

A turf war will start between the Hermetic Order of the Extremely Racist Sorcerers (HOOTERS) and the Auspicious Para-Psychology Lovers/Enthusiasts Behind Every Election (APPLEBEEs). Unfortunately for you, your home sits exactly on the border between the two secret societies’ territories. Be wary of restaurant staff wearing silly robes and chanting in Latin.

Libra (September 21-October 20)

Don’t worry. The Leos know what they did. 

Virgo (October 21-November 20)

For budget reasons, the sign of Scorpio has been eliminated. The astrological role formerly performed by Scorpio will now be fulfilled by Virgo, in addition to Virgo’s preexisting duties. Virgo will not be receiving a pay raise at this time, but has officially been promoted to Senior Zodiac Sign.

Sagittarius (November 21-December 20)

Don’t trust the bees. They lie.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)

A pride of lions will escape the zoo and take over City Hall. Although this will cause quite the outcry at first, you will soon discover that lions are excellent bureaucrats, and the municipal government will be running more efficiently than it ever has before. Unfortunately, due to illegal poaching, lions are in short supply, so some public duties will have to be performed by ocelots, and as we all know, ocelots are lazy and untrustworthy.

Aquarius (January 21-February 20)

You will be presented with the opportunity to steal $1.2 million in yellow diamonds. Only take this opportunity if you are a rogue jeweler. Otherwise, pass it over for the much more appealing prospect of remaining in your miserable, low-paying job and never being promoted until the day you die.

Pisces (February 21-October 4)

Stay inside all day. Do not leave the house. I repeat, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. In fact, don’t even leave your bed. It’s too dangerous out there. There are jewel thieves, avocado farmers, and leonine functionaries. Better to stay home and—oh, God. Someone just rang the doorbell. I’m so sorry. I’ll pray for you.